.just for a moment.

xubmyloverx @ 2007-03-30T21:16:00

2007-03-31T03:36:23Z

soooo ....

this lil bitty eL Jay is

FRIENDS ONLY

[just comment to be added, mmmkay?]

High on life

2006-10-23T00:02:58Z

It's funny ... it's 6 p.m. and I'm finally realizing what a great day I had. I got up at 6.45 this morning and went fishing up on the Payette River. It was amazing, and it's really for no reason at all, except for how I was outside of Boise, and fishing. Wonderful.

Now I'm just really tired. And instead of being here at work, I really feel like taking a warm nap in the sunshine on the river.

Boo.

xox

Interesting.

2006-08-21T05:39:18Z

Unwelcome changes
At its best this influence can signify intense emotional experiences within a relationship that draw you in and change your consciousness for a time. But there is also a difficult side to this influence. You may become aware of changes occurring in a relationship to which you will be forced to accommodate. They cannot be ignored, because a real breakdown in your relationship would result. In itself change is not a bad thing. But we crave stability above all else in our relationships, and stability is not available at this time. It will do no good to pretend that change is not happening. Every relationship needs to grow in order to remain healthy and alive. Resist the desire to use subversive tactics to control your loved one, such as manipulating feelings of guilt or responsibility.

Hahahahaha.

The end.

Motivation

2006-08-17T02:08:26Z

3 miles again today with some strength training. No pain during the run. I felt fantastic. I bought spandex shorts. I love them. Today's workout was just encouraging and it makes me feel really good about doing this. I want to get through this. It's going to be soooo rewarding.

Also ... I leave for Boise Saturday. And I'm nervous. But excited. I think.

I also talked to Ian. I love him a lot and I hope that things go well for him in the next year. Because he's been through a whole lot this summer. And it's overwhelming for me to think about so I don't know how he handles it.

I'm hungry. And I want ice cream. Yum.

xox

Mmmm.

2006-06-29T05:36:48Z

I've decided that I love the movies. I love characters, I love the fact that when some ordinary person plays a part in a movie he or she gets to virtually disappear inside of that fictional person. And I've decided that I will try everything once. So next year at Boise State when the auditions for The Vagina Monologues roll around, I'm going.

xox

I also want to punch my mom in the face. Whatever.

Uggh

2006-06-25T23:19:21Z

I cannot travel with my mother.

But Island Park was beautiful.

Pictures later.

xox

Yup.

2006-06-14T19:31:58Z

You are Bettie Page

Girl next door with a wild streak
You're a famous beauty - with unique look
And the people like you are cultish about it

What Famous Pinup Are You?

Boredom.

Tired ... ?

2006-06-14T09:49:34Z

So Madi's house depressed me. I want everything and I feel like the grass will always be greener on the other side. I want to be able to flirt with guys and make an honest effort to have it go somewhere physical and have it be really enjoyable. Like it used to be with certain multi-cultural people. But I also want someone to be tender with, and cuddle with, someone who won't say hurtful things to me. I want it all. I guess I just want a boyfriend who turns me on and who is good to me. I really want to know that guys find me attractive and that I have the talent to be able to say the right things. To be able to "play the game" or something. Even if it's just for a little fun.

I'm probably just tired from driving long distances in the middle of the night ;).

xox

Rock, paper, scissors ...

2006-06-12T05:57:53Z

So it's really odd because this doesn't happen too often, but I really didn't want to leave my dad's house this weekend. I just didn't. I had a wonderful time and as I was gathering up my stuff I felt like crying. Weird sort of, but whatever. I can't believe how much I love Dad, and Lanett, and Shaylene. Today we went fourwheeling up around Devil Creek Reservoir, near Malad. Gorgeous. They've got camping there too, and a little creek with small-ish, but catchable sized trout in it. And all I want to do is go back up there and camp. That place had a magical feeling to me. I can't describe it. It was beautiful though. I kicked myself in the ass all day for forgetting my camera.

I think it's just the fact that Dad's house still feels like home. It really does. And it's never stopped feeling that way. Stable.

I want to find friends that are outdoorsy like I am. Because my favorite kind of day is one spent outside. I love it. Gardening, fishing, fourwheeling, camping, swimming, anything at all. And none of my friends now seem to love that. Except Ian. I just really want to find someone who's like, "Fishing? What? I'm ready alllll the time. Let's go exploring. Let's get in the car and drive until we hit the bank of a river." But, I don't think I've found that person yet.

I looove to be outside. I can't even explain it to you. I want to share that feeling with someone who understands it too.

xox

Arrrrrgggh!

2006-06-11T06:21:36Z

My pirate name is:

Captain Grace Bonney

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Har de har har har! Anyway. My head hurts. But I enjoy being a waitress, for now. Hasta!

Fishing

2006-06-05T04:40:40Z

Stupid little aquatic bastards seem to be smarter than I am. Tonight I went to Wadsworth's Island and sat there with only two or three bites, and watched these gorgeous trout leap out of the water all around me. Took note of the fact that the didn't want to be underneath the water very much, so started fishing with a lure ... and lost it on a snag. Go figure.

Soooo ... I'm starting to experiment. Went to Walmart and bought new bait ...

1. Marshmallows (duh)
2. Whole kernel corn
3. Spoiler shads which look like minnows
4. Soft bait snells for the marshmallows and also to try out cheddar cheese with
5. Whole oysters

I'm skeptical about the oysters, excited about the shads, and eager to try out cheese. Most of all I just want a damned trout to bring home with me.

Also, some girlies at work are all for a fishing trip. My manager is amazing ... her name is Jessica, and she's cute and blonde and fiesty and she loves fishing. Merrick Jones ((Edit: Her last name is now Carter)) wants to learn, and this girl named Ashley Fulbright wants to go as well. Another girl named April enjoys it and is interested as well. So maybe we'll go. It'll be swell.

Hasta luego; hasta un tiempo cuando mi vida se importa!

2006-06-02T21:42:31Z

I really hate graduation. It just makes me acutely aware of how hard I sucked in high school and how much of a social circle I don't have. There is no one at the high school for me anymore. No teachers, no community members to hug, no friends to be glad for me. I'm not going to go into detail about my feelings last night, but suffice it to say that I was majorly depressed and reflective, and the only person there for me was my mom. Which will have to be enough, because if she's the one who comes through when I really, really, reaaally need someone, then so be it.

Besides, all of us friends will do "something sometime". Sooooomeday.

Fantastic.

In the meantime, I'm going to fish, mow the lawn, and try to make it day to day at Wingers and in Blackfoot. I came home thinking that being here would be therapeutic, that I would spend lots of time with friends and that the horror of last year would be somewhat smoothed away. But it's not happening at all, and I'm not trying to get pity here, I'm honestly just hurt and really pissed off. I guess when we all get older we grow apart, though, and our priorities change.

Oh well.

xox

::Edit:: I've decided, just now, that I'm wiping my slate of expecations for the summer clean. I'm not planning for a roadtrip, or fishing expeditions including anyone but me and possibly my family, or group camping trips, or even poker night. I'm just not going to expect it. Because then, if I keep my expecations low, I won't be disappointed! Whoo! *Sarcastic thumbs up sign here*

OHMYHELLILOVEFISHINGLOVELOVELOOOVEIT!

2006-06-01T23:46:41Z

Oh boy. I really love to fish. I love everything about it. Replacing all the line for my pole, buying lots of stuff for my tackle box, buying bait, getting worm poop all over my fingers, sitting patiently not getting any bites, even dragging a big fat sucker to the bank. I loooove it. I wish that I could travel around a bit more and fish some of the other rivers and reservoirs and streams and even mountain lakes in this state! And I wish more than that for someone who will fish with me! Because I really love it! See how excited I am? I'm using lots and lots of exclamation points ... !! !!!!!! Man oh man oh man. It makes me soooo excited. I can't explain it.

I also got on to Fish and Game's website today and dinked around a bit. They have a lot of volunteer opportunities and I really want to get involved. Bad. I think that would be aaamaaaazing .... and it just gets me more excited. I'm sitting in front of my computer, bouncing up and down in my seat while typing and simultaneously listening to Lynard Skynard's "Sweet Home Alabama."

My first day at Winger's was alright too, I guess.

And now I must go get my baby bro something for graduation. Man it feels good to be happy, even if it's only for a little while.

xox

Slip Slidin' Away ...

2006-05-30T06:40:08Z

She said a good day ain't got no rain
She said a bad day is when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been ...

Ever felt really really far away from something? I feel far away from my family and my friends and myself. I feel like being home has been a disaster, but what could I expect? I want nothing but perfection and it just doesn't exist. Pain. Really that's all it's about. Being devastated. Life is like that I guess. The older you get, the harder it is for you. Age brings physical pain and much too often loneliness. I hate that my mom's all alone. I hate that my dad's body hurts and that he hasn't got any other way to provide for himself. I hate that my bro lies to my mom.

I hate feeling like I'm not living my own life. Oh. Wait. I'm not. I'm overthinking and over-unwinding and overeating and overdoing everything but things that require action.

I hate that Madi (and Kelsey)is (are)leaving. I hate it more than anyone will ever know.

Mostly I just hate that everyone is doing something interesting this summer, something active, and I'm doing nothing.

Mowing lawn and reading books. Anything to keep my mind off of itself.

Fuck this. I like being alone. It's a good way to think or some fucked thing like that.

I want to meet someone who gets it. Maybe then they can point it out to me.

Blah

2006-05-26T07:15:39Z

Over at Dad's. Helped out with Shaylene, made dinner, baked cookies w/Shay, talked with Dad. Horrible, yet accurate feeling that this summer will suck tremendously. Summer - Madi - Kelsey = yuck. Boise was great, weird sensation of missing Kyle. Will pass. Always does until I see him again.

Conversation with Dad. Discussed my moving out when I was sixteen. Talked about having had conversations and only now having them "hit home" because of time, or some such business. Talked about regrets. Regretting basically quitting high school at the end of my sophomore year. Regretting the lack of punishment and discipline I had in my life then. Contemplating what could be different. Dad telling me that I could have walked out of that gym on graduation day with the same honors - if not more - than the ones Madi had. Regretting the fact that I have nothing to show for high school except a diploma and some dusty debate trophies. Tear-stained journal entries. Stagnant time.

Talked about religion and its benefits while you're growing up. Morals gained are more important than piety maintained? Discussed our lack of church while growing up. Dad telling Kyle and I that he wants us to keep our minds open to churches and to remember that it's not all bad. Hmmm. Reflections upon how religion is a stake between my friends and I. One thing we will never share. A compartment of their lives, tucked away out of the reach of conversation and understanding.

Currently overwhelmed by a feeling of being "just-out-of-reach." Got an even 3.0 this year at Boise State. Doesn't show much. No glitter, no fireworks, nothing special at all. Barely a B average. Out of reach of an ideal of myself being smart, being distinguished. Always an ideal locked in my brain, never touching the volatile air of the real, outside world. Never blossoming. Not really a hard worker; I mow the lawn. No real sweat. No real visual improvement in Mom's yard. A desire to be a strong, perhaps a brawny-looking girl, a girl with muscles, but instead I'm a girl with a tan. That's all. Again, out of reach.

I have to be up in 5 hours. Time to call Kyle and sleep away another half-assed day.

Oh. This summer will shrivel up in August and blow away into the wind. Meaningless. I want to create memories to hold it down, but I don't think it's going to happen.

I am so done.

Lo que sea ...

2006-05-16T23:25:31Z

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere.

And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

Okay ... maybe. Anyway ... job searching in Blackfoot/Pocatello sucks. A lot. If I'm going to make decent money AT ALL I'm going to end up with a job that doesn't want me to have any weekends off whatsoever. And that kind of goes against the whole purpose of being home, because if I work every weekend I really don't know when I'll have time to go fishing or camping with mi familia or do anything else with anyone. Yuck.

So yeah. It pretty much sucks. And the prospects for a roadtrip aren't looking so hot either. But I still wanna gooooo ....

I'm out hoochies.

Life

2006-05-11T18:16:59Z

So, in fifty minutes I take my last final. And thus, my freshman year of college will have expired. It's a tad bit strange. I want to feel this amazing weight lift off of my shoulders when I get done with the final, because after all, summer will be here officially. But ... the hardest part of Boise Year One has yet to arrive. I'm really scared and I feel like I'm suppressing my emotions at this point and when the moment comes to say goodbye I'll lose it. But it's the right thing. Promise. Really it is .... I think ...

Anyway, I'll find out over the summer I guess. Not that Blackfoot will help matters at all. But camping/fishing/camping/fishing/camping with friends/road trip/family/seeing my bro graduate/being with friends should help.

Oh. And I signed a contract to live in Towers next year. It's on the faaar end of campus by The Morrison Center and it's set up with suite-style rooms. I'd only have to share a bathroom with three other girls, plus having three other girls instead of only one could be really great. Or .... really disastrous. I'm sticking with the former. I am a little nervous about the whole contract thing though. But at this point I really can't see myself living in an apartment. I think dorm life will be a good way to actually meet some chicas.

Oh yes. I also went out last night, haha .... the night before three of my finals ... I'm so cool. Anyway. Went out with Diana and Sienna, danced and sweated a lot, got hit on by an Albanian dude who speaks very little English, and in short had a great time. Finally realized, however, that it's not sexy or attractive to just come up behind a girl and put yourself on her. Not so much.

So, we got back to the hotel at like .... 1.30a or something, and saw cute little Josef and his buddy John in the hot tub. Yay! Got a hug and got all wet. Awww!

I'm hungry. The end.

An ignoramus

2006-05-08T00:15:34Z

It really bothers me when people try to oversimplify entire groups of people. Sometimes my love of the spanish language and my desire to study abroad sparks controversy. Like one man I took downtown yesterday. He asks what I'm studying in school and I tell him I'll minor in spanish, and he cringes. I ask him why, and his response? "I work for the border patrol." Well, guess what asshole, not everyone who speaks spanish is an immigrant.

Then there's my middle-aged coworker. Let's call him Dave. Mmhmm. He talks as if America can do no wrong and as if we are just this generous mother country. We do a lot of good but we also fuck a lot of things up and make a lot of people pissed off. And I'm pretty sure that in my lifetime I'll see a significant power shift away from the United States. And I wouldn't be surprised if that power shift - be it political or economic - was in the favor of either China or Japan. Just a thought. But I guess I'm too young for thoughts.

In the meantime I'll continue studying Spanish and probably take up Chinese in the next year. Just so I can live in a country with the "yellow man" and the poor, useless immigrants. Stupid, stupid Dave.

xox

Blah.

2006-05-06T21:28:04Z

So I really shouldn't have told my "secret." Because at least before I told it I could pretend that it was legitimate or that it could ever happen. Telling it makes it more real. And looking reality in the face makes you feel little and ugly and shriveled and not good enough. Dull. Arrrgggh.

I need lovers like you wouldn't believe. Today is an ugly day. All because of someone I don't even really know. And because of someone trying to keep me. Trying.

Jesus I don't want to be sad.

xox

Fuck!!

2006-05-04T01:59:13Z

I HATE people who smack their gum really loud when they chew!

GOD DAMN IT!

I'm gonna strangle the old fucker!!!

xubmyloverx @ 2006-04-27T22:52:00

2006-04-28T04:54:31Z

Let's just get it over with already without hot flashes and counterproductive thoughts.

Live Journal sucks suddenly.

xox

xubmyloverx @ 2006-04-22T00:24:00

2006-04-22T06:35:18Z

Sun. Very very very intoxicating. I love it. I can't get enough of it. It makes my appetite go away and it numbs my emotions. Makes my skin all toasty and warm. Tonight I wanted swimming. When I got off work the air smelled like the whole earth was alive. That summery outdoor smell.

I like Spanish accents. When cepillas becomes th-epillas.

I think my mom's crazy. Or I've changed a lot. Or both. She's so bitchy with me, and uptight. I don't understand her. I don't understand me around her. Hard to live with her. I'm worried for summer. What's new.

It makes me sad that any school in California costs ... Like, 40 G's if you're out of state. Eh.

Shower. Tired. Sleep. Th-epillas.

xox

My, how time flies

2006-04-16T07:47:15Z

It really, truly does.
And it kind of sucks.
Is life really just a gamble?
If you're born with the right cards it is easier to play them right.
Unless you're really good at bluffing.
I will refuse to settle!
But I'll have to fight myself first.
I don't know who will win.

xox

Sorry to always be glum on LJ, but ...

2006-04-15T03:10:22Z

I'm back in good ole Blackfoot for the weekend, and my mom's here, and her "boyfriend" Brett, and it's awkward and weird and she thinks I'm mad because he's here and it's like she wants me to be mad and he slurs like he's drunk and it smells like alcohol in here and Yes is playing and it's depressing and now, they're in my mom's bedroom talking and

Let me just say that it feels great to feel excluded at home. Wow.

Can't I just go somewhere and be happy to have arrived? I was happy to go back to Boise from Portland.

Eternally Confused,

Brooke Lee Sanders

xox

I'm gonna go visit my dad :)

Portland

2006-04-10T05:08:24Z

So, Portland was less than expected and simultaneously not. I don't think I want to live here. The school is beautiful but full of punks and far from downtown which is the part of Portland I've enjoyed the most so far. It's not always raining but it's always overcast. And I was sick almost the whole time and my sleep schedule was fucked due to the bus. Yucky. Plus I saw more people vomiting/vomit on the sidewalk than I'd prefered. Aaaand, to top it all off I missed Kyle the whole time but when Mom talked about a long-distance relationship or just "giving it more time" I went a little crazy.

So I'll come back to Boise more confused about everything except for my dislike of Portland's rainy weather. And the sick folk.

Gooooo me!

xoxx

P.S. Some people are obviously, ridiculously, consumingly in love. I love Kyle. I want to be in love.